The Dieter's Prayer | littleduckie's Blog

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Lord, my soul is ripped with riot, Incited by my wicked diet. We are what we eat, said a wise old man, And Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can! I want to rise on Judgment Day, that's plain, But at my present weight, I'll need a crane! So grant me strength that I may not fall Into the clutches of cholesterol. May my flesh with carrot curls be sated That my soul may be polyunsaturated. And show me the light that I may bear witness To the President's Council on Physical Fitness. At oleomargarine I'll never mutter, For the road to hell is spread with butter. And cake is cursed, and cream is awful, And Satan is hiding in every waffle. Mephistopheles lurks in provolone, The devil is in each slice of bologna, Beelzebub is a chocolate drop, And Lucifer is a lollipop! Give me this day my daily slice - But cut it thin and toast it twice. I beg upon my dimpled knees, Deliver me from Jujubees. And my when days of trial are done And my war with malted milks is won, Let me stand with the saints in heaven In a shining robe - Size 37! I can do it, Lord, if you'll show to me The virtues of lettuce and celery. If you'll teach me the evils of mayonnaise, The sinfulness of hollandaise And pasta a la milanese And potatoes a la lyonaise And crisp fried chicken from the south! Lord, if you love me, SHUT MY MOUTH!